Chapter 4

I grabbed Frost from the bed, then hurried after James. My stomach was roiling and the urge to vomit was severe. 

Keonho and Sean were waiting for us in the living room. As soon they saw us, Keonho tried to reach for Frost only to be met with a hiss and drawn claws. 

"Don't start with me, stupid cat," he said under his breath. "I'm only risking my life for you because your dad needs rescuing." 

"I got him," Sean offered. Frost has only warmed up to him recently, otherwise, the cat also hated him on sight the way he hated Keonho. "Come on, buddy. We're going to see Ji-ho." 

"He has a ready-to-go bag in the pantry," I said, throat convulsing. "We'll call you once we know anything." 

I didn't wait for their response, just grabbed my jacket and keys from the foyer table. 

"You're not driving, Martin," James held me back, grabbing my arm. "My driver's downstairs waiting for us." 

The elevator door opened just then, so James hustled me inside. I wanted to collapse, I'm tired and my eyes are red from all the crying. 

I leaned on wall, tried to catch my breath so I could think, but my mind was filled with Jju. A movie of the day we met; our lives as brothers at arms. How I felt when I read our first feature as a newly debuted kpop band, and they asked each of us who inspires us. Juhoon's answer surprised me, because he said I was his inspiration and it has been my motivation since. It was what drove me to make sure our group succeeded, to keep making music and what drove me to always live my truth. Because I never wanted to disappoint him. 

Somehow, I did anyway - several times, in fact. 

Looking back, there were so many instances that showed us being connected even if we didn't intend to be. The way we somehow always ended up in the background of every vlog isolated from everyone, cozy and seemingly in deep conversations. Those days, our talks could barely be considered as serious until we were forced to confront what we were becoming. We were two young kids navigating the rise of stardom. Me, loving the spotlight and the wildness of the crowd; him, terrified of the same crowd and keeping the fear to himself.  We were either talking about banal things or arguing about something stupid like the food I ordered without everyone's approval. Or we could be talking about something consequential to the group and the fans such as personal relationships we weren’t supposed to have.

Once, I dared go out for dinner with one of the members of a girl group under the same agency. It was supposed to be kept on the down low; I didn’t even tell the guys. But someone saw us and snapped a picture. They posted it all over social media. The next day, there was a meeting between the groups’ media & publicity team about how it was going to be handled. Both our groups were freshly debuted, but our fans were more invested in it than their fans. They thought I betrayed them somehow. I had to issue an apology, as well to deny that there was any romantic entanglement between the two of us.

I was castrated by our manager, as well the guys. They called me selfish and thoughtless because I didn’t think ahead of the consequences of my action, especially as the leader of the group. The only one who was quiet during their tongue lashing was Jju. He was silent as a pending storm. He didn’t once look at me and when the dressing down was over, he left the room without saying a single word.

He didn’t speak to me for days, which made me feel like shit. He ignored my texts, dodged my calls; didn’t sit with me at all and have pretty much avoided being left alone with me.  When I’ve had enough, I decided that I would force him to talk to me. It just so happened that we were on our way to the airport for a brand obligation abroad and we usually sit together on our flights.

That time, though, he switched with Sean. I was plenty pissed. Since it was his turn to room with our manager on this trip, I requested to be roomed with him this time. I told him that we were having some personal issues and I needed to work it out with him. Thankfully, managernim agreed.

The thing about Jju was that he hated confrontation. He would give you the silent treatment until his anger passed. He would not, however, go back and forth with you unless it involved his art. In which case, he would fight you to death to get his way.

When we got our respective keys to our rooms, Jju followed our manager. But he stopped him.

“You’re rooming with Martin for the next two days,” he said. I could tell he was going to protest but he stopped himself. His shoulders hunched, as if he was accepting his fate that he could no longer avoid me.

He opened the door using his keycard, proceeded to unlock the connecting door to the other room where Sean & Keonho would be sleeping. I was there in an instant, locking it back closed. Then, without saying a word, I grabbed his arm and forcefully sat him on his chosen bed. I almost threw him down; to be honest, I was out of patience.

I stood in front of him, glaring.

“How long are you going to ignore me?” He looked away, cheeks flushing.

“Don’t be an idiot, I wasn’t.” He mumbled.

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Are you kidding me with this shit? You’ve been avoiding me like the plague!” I yelled then started pacing back and forth.

“I don’t know how many times I must apologize for my stupidity. It was one stupid dinner, and we didn’t even finish. I just thought it would be cool to talk to her about our groups, leader-to-leader. It was nothing.” I kept pacing, mumbling under my breath.  

"Bull shit!" He exploded. "If you wanted to talk about anything group related, you wouldn't have any problem telling me - us what you were doing. Besides the fact that we have literally two other senior groups in our agency who are more successful and more known than her group, I say you're lying!"

"Are you being sexist right now, Jju?" We were fully yelling at each other, totally out of character for him. The person I knew who faced adversity with quiet coldness has disappeared. In his place, was this young man whose eyes clouded over with anger. 

"So be it! At least I can tell it to you straight. Can you say the same thing about the real motives why you went out for dinner with her?"

I couldn't. 

I couldn't tell him that we have been exchanging messages, some of them of the flirtatious variety. I wanted to shield him from getting hurt, which made no sense. 

"That's what I thought," he said when I didn't speak. He blew out a breath. “Fine, you’re sorry. I accept your apologies. I don’t know why it matters, I’m insignificant, in the grand scheme of things.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” He stood up, picked up his luggage and began unpacking.

“Jju, what do you mean?”

“Nothing. Ignore me, forget I said anything.” He grabbed his toiletry bag from his luggage and started walking to the bathroom, but I stopped him, snatching the toiletry bag from his hand and throwing it back in his luggage.

“Oh, fuck, no! Tell me what you mean, Jju, or so help me God.”

We both glared at each other, our chest rising and falling.  My cheeks were warm, most likely the colour of crimson red. I was so sick of his passive aggressiveness. For once I wanted him to voice his opinion, tell me exactly what he was feeling. I hated his vagueness and the way he always hesitated. He was so frustrating.

“I just meant that you didn’t think I was significant enough that you didn’t tell me what you were planning to do, so why should it matter if I was ignoring you? I mean, you probably didn’t trust me enough to begin with, so why does it matter?”

“You know that wasn’t why I didn’t tell you!”

He took a couple of steps forward that we were standing toe-to-toe. His head barely reached my chin, so he was looking up at me. I’ve never seen his eyes grow as dark as it did. It was all irises, round and black as a river rock.

“No, Martin. I don’t know why you didn’t tell me. For all I know you’ve been in a relationship with her all this time, and you got tired of hiding.” He said it quietly, but he put so much stress on the word, her, as if he was disgusted by the word. If I didn’t know any better, he sounded jealous.

I laughed at his face, which was another thing amongst the long list of stupid things I've committed when it comes to Jju.

He stepped back, then turned around and walked out of the room. We didn’t reconcile for another week. And that was because James got tired of our bullshit. He was the think tank for the group’s social media engagements posts back in the day, so he paired us any chance he got. He also made me switch beds with him in the dorm. For a week, I was Jju’s roommate. Their bedroom was like a tomb at night, all because the two occupants couldn't bring themselves to apologize to each other. I'm a nocturnal creature, so I'm usually up late. But I wanted to take advantage of rooming with Jju, so I was in bed by 10 at night, early for me for sure. He would read quietly and I would play on my phone until he fell asleep with the book on his chest. He did it every night and I, in turn, would pick up the book, save his page and set it on his bedside table. 

On day four, I got involved in another stupid social media furore. This time, through no fault of my own.

I usually share my playlist in our vlog, artist and song. This artist, however, lacked human decency and decided to bash me publicly by saying I should stop performing because whoever told me I can, was wrong. I didn’t respond, of course, but I still took it to heart. Jju was the one who discovered the post. That morning, he made me breakfast, apologized and told me he wasn't mad at me anymore. The whole day, he made sure I was off my phone and had no access to any social media accounts. I was only too happy to comply because I had my Jju again. Until I overheard James and the twins talking about it. 

Our lives are intertwined as if fated. I could not live in a world where he doesn't exist; he was my compass north. 

"I can't do this without him, James. I can't." I sobbed. He reached out and rubbed my back. 

"You won't. He will be fine, Martin. You have to believe that."

The elevators door opened, we all but ran outside and into the waiting car. Desperate to get to Jju. 

I made a sign of the cross and offered up a small prayer of hope. "Please, please."

________________________

By the time we got to the location, there were a couple of ambulances outside. The place was swarmed with cars and emergency medical staff rushing in and out of the gate, moving quickly. 

I jumped out of the car ready to fight anyone who stood in my way. 

James' people met us and ushered us to the yard, but before we could step inside the house, an emergency medical personnel stopped us. 

"Mr. Chao? We'd like to give you a quick update before they take Mr. Kim to the hospital."

James stopped, but I didn't. I wanted to get to Jju right away. Unfortunately, a couple of cops stopped me. 

"I'm sorry, sir but you can't go inside just yet." He stood in front of the door, barring me from going in.

"Why the fuck not?" I asked angrily. The officer didn't say anything. He looked back to where James and the EMS was talking. 

"I suggest you listen to their update first, but for now, no one's allowed to go in. It's a crime scene." 

I swallowed the bile coming up from my throat. So I looked back at James, he looked utterly broken. I wanted to collapse on the ground.  

"James," I called out. "James, what do they mean?" He walked towards my direction and stopped in front of me. 

"Martin, he's sustained a lot of injuries. As far as they can tell right now, he has several broken bones and he's lost a lot of blood. They won't know the extent until he had a full x-ray and an MRI. Right now, we can't go in because they're considering it a crime scene. They have the bastard in custody." 

I vomited on James' shoes. 

When I was done, he offered me a handkerchief. One of the EMS personnel gave me a bottle of water. I opened it and drank right away. My throat was dry and I was severely dehydrated. I haven't had anything to eat for hours nor have I drank anything at all. It has been a never ending day and it barely started. 

"You okay?" James asked. I just nodded. "Let's wait on the side here. They're processing the scene and getting ready to transport Jju." James sniffed, his eyes red from tiredness, or from crying. Who knows? "You need to prepare yourself, okay?" I simply nodded. 

Just then, the sound of the door opening got our attention. 

Jju was on a stretcher, tubes were everywhere; his clothes bloodied right down to his socks. I ran to them, then sidled up beside Jju. 

Oh God. His face, his face. Bruised, battered. His eyes were closed, swollen from the looks of it. The oxygen mask was covering his small face. At least there was condensation on it, which meant he was breathing. 

I reached out to hold his hand, but the EMS stopped me. "Sir, please don't touch him. He has cuts everywhere that can get infected. He also has several broken fingers." Tears kept falling, it wouldn't stop and the drowning feeling was back. I couldn't swallow hard enough to push down the bile that kept rising up. He looked like he was tortured. What must he have endured in the hands of that psycho?

"Come on, Martin," James tried to lead me away but I held my ground. "We'll follow them, it's okay. He's in good hands now and away from that bastard."

"I want to kill him, James. I want to kill him."

"I know, but that's not going to help Jju. You have to be there when he wakes up." He had his arm around my shaking shoulders, directing me out of the yard and back to his car where his driver was waiting. He had me seated and buckled up quickly. 

I looked outside, then remembered I had to call his parents. I took out my phone and scrolled through my contacts. 

His mom picked up right away.

"Yeoboseyo," she said. 

I cleared my throat. "I-mo, it's Martin." I closed my eyes and leaned on the window. I didn't know how else to broach it, so I just blurted it out as softly as I could. "Something happened to Juhoon-ah," she gasped. 

"What do you mean?" Shocked, but remained calm. Jju was the same when it comes to emergency situations. 

"He's badly hurt, so we're going to the hospital right now."

"Was it an accident?" She sounded like she was crying already. I could also hear his dad in the background, then a rustle. 

"Martin?" His dad's voice came on. "What happened?"

"We don't know the details yet, but he's badly hurt and the police are involved." 

"Okay, which hospital?" His dad remained calm as well. It runs in the family, I supposed.

"We don't know but as soon as I find out, I'll call you again, okay?"

"Okay, we'll get ready and wait for your call. Keep us posted, please." We both said goodbye and hung up. 

My head was pounding, I didn't know how much more I could take. The pressure was too much. 

I started punching seat in front of me, screaming. 

James opened my door and gathered me in his arms. 

I sobbed and sobbed.