Chapter 3

We sat in silence for a beat. The woosh of the heater kicking in was the only sound you could hear in the room. I didn't look up, not yet. Not sure how to proceed. Shall I call someone? Our manager? His sister? Which reminded me that I have to turn on his phone. His parents must've been calling him like crazy. Like they always do when something pops up on social media about us, good or bad. They're probably extra worried because Martin was the focus of this mess this time around. Honestly, a whole lot of nothing turned into something big. 

The audacity of some people. 

"What do we do?" Keonho asked in an unfamiliar quiet voice, smile absent. He was looking at James. 

As the oldest of the group, he's technically the second in command. We look up to him for everything, even Martin. 

"Nothing," he said, sitting up from his slouch. "What can we do? It's not like we're allowed to say something in social media." 

He turned to me. "Didn't you say you're going to try and hang out with him today?"

I nodded. 

"Well, there you go. You can do that. Just follow him around."

"Okay," I said meekly. "What are you guys going to do?" I turned to everybody else.

"I need to do some laundry," Sean replied, picking up his dirty dishes. "Geonho, it's your turn to clean our room." 

"Yeah, yeah, stop nagging."

I ignored the twins' bantering and picked up Martin's phone, finally turning it on.

There were 35 missed calls, 83 unread text messages. I don't know his password so I got up and walked in the direction of the bedrooms. 

I almost ran into him on his way to the bathroom. 

"Sorry," I held myself steadily against the wall and tried to gauge where his head was at. Unfortunately, he avoided my gaze and continued on to the bathroom. Shortly thereafter, the sound of the shower came on. 

I stood in the hallway for a minute, staring at his vibrating phone. Another missed call from his sister, at least 5 more unread messages. I wanted to delete all his social media apps and disconnect his Wi-Fi. I wanted him to just ignore the world for a while. I decided there and then that I would keep his phone for him. At least, until he was ready to face it all again. 

I went back into our room. I did the laundry a couple of days ago, so I had clothes to be put away. Because I do my laundry pretty regularly, sometimes, either James or Martin would ask me to put some of their clothes with mine. Not the twins, though. Ahn Geonho & Seonghyeon were very particular about his clothes, and they get grossed out whenever their clothes got mixed with others. Ironically, they didn't mind sharing clothes. I put James' laundry on his bed, then went back out towards the others' bedroom. Martin had some clothes that I laundered with mine, so I left those on his bed as well. 

His phone beeped again. This time, from our manager. I ignored it as well. 

I needed to figure out what to do. I knew him well enough to anticipate his next move. He would probably go to the company today to use his anger as a motivation. It's how he is. When I said nothing fazes him, I meant he takes any criticism, fair or otherwise in stride. But if he was angry enough, he'd use his frustration as fuel. And I could tell he's plenty frustrated.  It was in the hunch of his shoulders and the silence. 

I never liked it when he got quiet. It was unusual. Like you could tell there was something utterly wrong with the universe when Martin stopped being his jovial self.  If I was being honest with myself, though, I would have been the reason for his silence a number of times. In my defense, I'm stingy when it comes to sharing opinions, so he gets frustrated with me a lot. But he doesn't hold it against me. One of these days, though, I feel like he'd probably give up. 

We've had conversations about it. Sometimes, he ended up storming out of the room and I ended up apologizing. Because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what he wanted and I didn't know what I could give. All I could focus on was making sure that I don't cause any tensions or cracks in the group dynamics. But it's difficult sometimes. 

I sighed. I picked up my gym bag and got some change of clothes packed. In case the others join us to work on some choreo issues with a couple of our new songs. 

When I heard the bathroom door opened, I quickly changed my shirt. I figured, I had a few minutes to brush my teeth and do some skin care before he was done. Because if my hunch was right, he'd already call for a ride and he would be heading out the door in no time. 

Just as I was about to close the bedroom door, he was walking out of theirs, tote bag on his shoulders. 

"Where are you going?" I asked. 

James and the twins were nowhere to be found. They must've scattered away as soon as they heard Martin. 

"Company," he replied under his breath. He barely glanced my way. 

"Can I come?" I said, rushing to keep up with his long strides.  "I was going to see mom & dad but I figure I'll go with you instead." 

"No, bro," he rushed, still not looking at me. "Just do your thing. I'll be fine."

"I'd rather not." I was out of breath, trying but failing to even out my breathing. "I'd rather stay with you, if you don't mind." I pulled the hoodie over my head, hiding my face. 

I felt him look at me then, warmth seeping through from my neck to my cheeks. I didn't look up. 

The dorms' hallways were quiet. Some of the newer groups also live here. We sometimes run into each other and it was always fun to see them.  Sometimes, we make plans to have lunch at the Company cafe. Today was not a good day to see anyone though. They were more than likely aware of what happened last night. There's a misconception that the groups in the Company competed against each other, and while that may be true, there was also a community and support between each subsidiaries. 

I didn't think Martin could handle the sympathy from other groups today. So I hope we don't run into anyone. 

"The car should be downstairs," he said as he hit the button on the elevator. "Honestly, man, I'm okay. I just would rather be alone today, to be honest." 

"I know, but I promised the guys I'll hang out with you today. So that's what I'm doing."

"But you don't have to, " he turned to me. "You don't ever volunteer your free time with me, so why start now?" He sounded irritated and frankly, I don't blame him. 

"Do you want to return your missed calls and reply to your text messages?" I said, changing the subject.

"Not yet. I'm not ready."

"Okay, then I'll hang out with you until you're ready to read your messages."

I fished out my phone from my hoodie. "Do you want me to send a quick message to anyone letting them know you're okay?" 

The elevator dinged open. "Sure. Start with my sister. Tell her to tell everyone I'm fine."

We walked into an empty elevator. Thank God. Martin without headphones or earphones looked odd. He wore a brown zip hoodie and a nondescript pair of baggy pants. He looked menacing, to be honest. With a scowl on his face and his tall stature. If I didn't know him, I would've avoided running into him at all cost. 

Anyway, I have his sister's number saved, so I texted her first. She gave me her number the last time we went with Martin to his house. I think it was his mom's birthday. Actually, she gave everyone her phone number just in case. She babied Martin the same way Geonho's sister babied him. Seonghyeon also has siblings. James and I were the ones without siblings. 

After texting a quick note to his sister, I then scrolled through my messages. A few reminders from my mom, dad asking me if I watched last night's game, then there was a couple from our manager, urgently asking me to call him. 

I shot him a quick text instead.

                        with martin.

                        on our way to the building. 

                        he's fine. we'll hang in the basement. 

                                                                                                Okay. 

                                                                                                Tell him to call me. 

                                                                                                Need anything?

                        we cool. 

                        he'll call you when he's ready.

                        ttyl. 

                                                                                                Fine. 

I tucked my phone back in my hoodie. Our manager was a cool dude. He's fun when it's time to play and a hard-ass when it's time to work. He'd taken care of us since pre-debut days. He acted like the big brother for us, bodyguard, timekeeper, and the go-between person for us and the Company. He'd send an update to our families and the upper management and would bat for us. 

He stood in one corner, eyes downcast. He was vibrating with tension that you could actually feel the sparks crackling in the elevator. 

I was the type of person who avoided this type of energy simply because it drained me so easily. But I didn't want to leave him alone. James once told me that I have a calming presence, that I could diffuse any tense situation simply by being around. So that's what I intended to do. I would be who he needed me to be. I would give him the time that he needed but never the space. I would attach myself to him that he would be sick of me. 

The elevators door opened to the basement. This was our training place, our hangout. We called it the dungeon but it was more like an industrial art gallery. Exposed metal beams and large pipes adorned the ceilings. We have equipment, instruments, our own snack bar and fridge that they stock for us. We have our green sectional couch and white boards that we use for ideas and concepts. The walls were filled with mindless scribbles and drawings. 

He plopped down on the couch then pulled the hood over his eyes. I stood in front of him. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I bit my lip, voice hoarse and deep. 

He turned his back to me. "No," he mumbled. "You know that book that you lent me a while back? "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck"?

"Yes?" I sat down on the coffee table facing him. He didn't budge but continued mumbling under his breath. "I wish I can remember all the things I read about it."

When I started reading again to avoid being shackled to my phone, I sought out books that will eventually help me as someone whose chosen career was being in a public forum. The book he was talking about meant to teach us to sort out our personal values and decide whose opinions we care the most, which, from the author's perspective, should not depend on someone who we cannot control. That left out no one, to be honest. I guess that's where the subtlety of it all came from. 

"Because if I can remember all its teachings, maybe this wouldn't bother me too much. 

Abruptly, he turned to his side and faced me. It didn't take long until he exploded. 

"My mom used to say not everyone is going to like me, and all my life I kept that in mind. Because of that, I didn't set out to be a people pleaser. I just did my thing and tried to live the way I wanted to live. Surrounded by music and creative people," he stood up.

I leaned back to move out of his way, still watching him like a hawk. 

"I worked hard, man. I've been working since I was 11. My dream is so close, I can almost taste it. Do you know how many times I've broken out in sweat because of the pressure I feel on a daily basis? I have to be responsible for a lot of things. I have to be responsible for our group's success. Everything is on the line and I don't even remember the last time I felt like I could breathe!" 

He paced the concrete floor, his hood came off. Red-faced, hair mussed.

"And it's barely a year, man. We're very new," His voice rose, a shout ready to burst forth from his mouth.  "I can handle a lot of things - our training made sure that we have a tough skin; I can handle the hate from fandoms who hate us for whatever reasons. But I can't handle this, man. All I did was share a song from an artist. And what the fuck did I get?!" He flat out screamed the last sentence of his rant. I just let him. 

His legs gave out, softly falling on the concrete floor where he laid; hood covered his eyes again. Exhausted, his chest rose and fell. 

I stood and laid down beside him on the cold floor. Gooseflesh covered my body. 

Then he started laughing maniacally. 

"Anyway. I don't even care anymore, man. I have other things to worry about," he said while he waited for his laptop to boot up. Which was true. Our next album will be out soon and we have scheduled promotions coming up. 

His anger came and went in a snap of a finger. It was like he allowed himself a couple of minutes to rant and rave and then he moved on. A deflated balloon that ran out of air. 

"Okay," was all I said. "We didn't really have breakfast. You want me to grab you food from the cafe across the street?"

He side-eyed me, his gaze hot on my face. 

"Thanks for coming with me, and sorry for that venting session." 

I reached out and squeezed his arm, still not looking at him. "I'm here for you, man, anytime." I smiled. "Anyway, breakfast?"

"Sure, whatever's fine."

"Iced matcha and hotteok?"

He released a huffed laughter. "You bet."