Lullaby for Martin

 

“James,” I tapped his shoulder. He’s in full slumber, both eyes half-open like they always were when he’s asleep.

“Mm?” he mumbled, trying but failing to open both eyes. “’time, is it?”

“About 6,” I said. “Look at this.” I handed him my phone open to an account on Instagram. It was a page that posted Kpop news at least several times a day. He opened his eyes fully then squinted against the light from my phone. I handed him my air pods so he could listen.

“J---e R-----r is facing backlash for shading Martin of Cortis in a recent Instagram Q & A. A fan mentioned Martin is a fan and streams their work, but they replied saying the Cortis’ team to stop letting the boys rap. Coers came to his defence and called out J--e’s hypocrisy after a tweet was uncovered that praised Martin for sharing his current listen showing a J--e R-----r song…”

“Shit,” James mumbled.

“Yeah,” was all I could say. After a few minutes, he handed me the phone and sat up on the bed, sheets tangled around his hips. He yawned, both arms stretched up to the ceiling. 

I chewed my lips, not showing my anxiety. Martin has been a fan and had their album on rotation in his playlist. I was not familiar with them until Martin started heavily streaming their music. Since we normally sit together when we’re travelling, he more often share his headphones with me. He would prop them up on my head while I continued reading. Sometimes, he would wait for my verdict on the song that was played from his phone. I could more or less predict what would be playing because he’s a creature of habit when it comes to his playlist. At the same time, he's also perpetually discovering underground sounds. It's the producer in him, I think.

“I’m going to try and hide his phone today.”

“That’s not going to work,” James said, shaking his head. “You know that thing needs to be surgically removed from his hand most of the time.”

“I know,” I nodded, agreeing. I scratched my head, trying to come up with something. “Well, I’m going to try and distract him today, anyway.” I said, running out of options. “We have nothing on the schedule today, right?”

“I don’t think so,” he said, laying back down with a loud huff. “Let me know if you need help.”

“Yeah,” I said, picking up my current read from the nightstand. James and I are roommates. Sean, Keonho, and Martin share the other room which was double the size of our bedroom. We’ve pretty much kept to these arrangements since day one. The trio are just too hyper at night, like toddlers with no sleeping schedule. James and I needed at least an hour of quiet time to wind down before bed, a full reset at night. Otherwise, James becomes unbearably grumpy and I become quieter than usual in the morning.

The only time we change roommates was when we travel, opting to do a round-robin of sorts where we switch partners. Sometimes, I end up rooming with our manager who went with us everywhere we go.

I exited our room and trekked down the hallway of our dorm quietly. The whole place was quiet as a tomb except for the hum of the fridge coming from the kitchen. It’s Spring, a little chilly so the heat was still on; the floors were still cold as well. But I had on socks, saving me from the chill seeping through the hardwood floors.

The trio are late sleepers; they don’t wake up until late in the morning. Most days, our manager had to literally drag them from their beds to get the day started. The night before was an early night for me. I was tired and sore from a full day of practice, so my energy level was fully sapped. James followed closely behind, he too, was tired.

I stood in front of their door, preparing myself for what waited to greet me inside. I just know it would be a catastrophe area. Don't get me wrong, our bedroom was not as orderly as I'd like, but compared to the others' bedroom, you could at least see some area of floor space on which to walk.

I tugged at the hem of my hoodie, breathed deeply, then softly opened the door to their room.

Martin slept on the far side of the room, close to a door leading to the patio. They were all asleep, bodies in one position or another. There’s a little room on Martin’s bed; he occupied a double as opposed to a single bed like the rest of us for obvious reasons. Martin was not only tall, but he also had more heft and width than the rest of us. Not too much, mind you, but he still needed more room.

I stood at the foot of his bed, and watched him sleep for a bit. As usual, both his arms were extended over his head. It looked like a position imitating that of a model in a Vogue photo shoot. It's funny as hell and we've ridiculed him incessantly for it. We'd taken several pictures of him in a variety of sleeping poses. At the same time, they'd also recorded me snoring in my sleep. I'm sure the photo albums on their phones are full of footage. They made fun of me and my poor breathing habits a number of times but I'm not offended.

I smiled softly.

Being a part of a brood of five was a scary thought at first. As an only child, I'm used to quiet and order. I'm used to fending for myself and never having to think about a sibling's well being. Well, that's changed since joining the company. James acted as the older brother, and since I'm technically the second oldest, I try my best to keep some semblance of peace and order in our dorm.

Martin and I are close in the way Sean and Keonho are. It’s the fact that we're the same age that drew us together at first. Then, as days and months went by, we’ve become closer. Truthfully, we have nothing in common. But he’s so easy to talk to and he’s hella fun and hilarious. He’s also kind and thoughtful, a gentle giant, and a creative genius. Virtually nothing fazes him, not the 09 twins' continued harassment, which was an act of love in their book, and not even the noises and bashers online. Though, I'm really worried about this particular one this time. He's one of those people that shows genuine joy but hides his true feelings when he's hurt.

We're pretty much connected all the time, but our old personal social media accounts have been shut down before we even debuted. We have new ones, but they're locked down as well. And as much as I want to say the negative comments didn't bother us, it would be a lie. I know what fans say about me online. I'm reserved, quiet, and practically protected. I don't mind, really because, well, I am all those and more. It's hard for me to speak up. It was easy when I was in school. There were social norms and cues that were written for me. I let academics guide me. It's why I enjoyed it and excelled in that environment. Because even though I was going with the flow, I at least knew its exact destination.

Idol life is a different beast. There are too many variables out of our control. We can gain love and support and just as easily lose them with one wrong move. It is a fickle industry and Martin has been entrenched in it for far too long; he practically grew up in the company. If not for his age, he would be considered as a tenured member. For someone who just turned 18, he had truly blossomed in producing and writing. He has a number of song credits to his name already, successful ones at that.

I love watching him in his flow state though. When he gets wrapped up in whatever he’s making and nothing and no one can distract him. He has a vision with every beats that he makes, every lyric that he writes. Very intentional and staunch in his goals and dreams. It's also one of the things that drew me into this group. The freedom to create, to establish our identity as a whole, was granted to us as part of our core since day one.

On paper, Martin and I were nothing alike. But I'm drawn to him for the very reason that we’re the exact opposite. His lively energy and pure joy are contagious. And though he exhausted me at times, his easy going personality ironically powers me up as well. Sometimes, when he's creating, he would ask me to join him in the studio. He would have his headphones on and I would have my air pods while I read my book. I didn't mind keeping him company because sometimes, the rest of the group join in. On the rare occasion that I had any ideas to share, they would listen and take it for consideration. I truly love the back and forth between members. I love how creative they are and open to suggestions. There was no pressure to contribute, just the freedom to express. 

I looked around the room in search of his phone which I found charging on the floor beside his bed. I unplugged it, turned it off and tucked it in the front pocket of my hoodie. I just know it’d be the first thing he’d look for as soon as he opened his eyes. I could at least hold him off for an hour or two until he’d become restless for it. I'm counting on the simple fact that he'd find me beside him, which rarely ever happens.

"This room is a mess," I murmured under my breath. The floor was littered with stuff: dirty dishes, empty bags of chips, dirty laundry. It's a room occupied by three teens, so it's not a surprise. Early morning sunlight streamed through the white gauzy blinds covering the window. Enough light source for me to crack open my book and read for a bit until the troop awakened. So that’s what I did.

I sat against the headboard beside him, pulled the hood over my head and proceeded to read. I figured I’d stay attached to him for the time being. For him to find me sitting beside him should suffice. What he didn't know was I've always tried to avoid being this close to him for reasons I've yet to further explore. If it didn't involve band activities, I would always keep my distance. Regardless, it would stave off the inevitable reality if only for a moment, hoping against hope that I could absorb some of the impact he would feel once he found out about what went down online last night.

I sighed, angry for the first time on Martin's behalf. 

This world is so fucking cruel.